Dear kate

Dear Kate, sometimes I feel like you forget that you exist when no one is around you.

I feel like you don’t see the power that you hold within.

You forget to see the beauty and all the little things that make up you.

I constantly feel like I need to see your voice of reason and Hope that the way I see you and what’s inside of you is what you could someday see in yourself 

My dear sweet cake, you are as beautiful as the morning sunrise. When I am surrounded by Nature your name rings in my thoughts. 

It saddens my heart to see you in pain and makes it hurt knowing you’re lonely. You forget to see the beauty in your solace and loneliness. You take for granted the time that you get to emerge yourself and your thoughts in forget to Marvel what a beautiful creature you are and get to be. 
I feel lucky that I get to know you, and the people around you, the people whose energy make up what you think you are, should feel that same privilege in your presence. 

Don’t lose who you are on other people’s account.

I wish you would take the time to Define all those little quirks about you. Pin point what you want and what you are wanting from others. Because it is ok to ask for what you want and to be selfish and to say no when you want to. It is okay to fully indulge in the dirty little secrets of your wants and needs, without any fear of judgement. 

My wish for you is to never again settle for doing something you don’t want to and should never waste your energy on negative thoughts or people. 

I feel like you think of yourself as the second option when you should never you made to feel like an option at all, but a gift. 

Life is about seeking a new perspective on things that seem dim and meek. 

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Your brand

My grandma always taught us the importance of how other people perceived us and the part we play in those views. 

“Avoid the appearance of evil” she would say.

So many people, myself included, were told to never worry about what other people think about us but in reality, the way other people view us is sometimes more important than who we actually are. Because it can determine how we are treated by those around us. 

All we have is who we are and the way we present ourselves and carry ourselves is crucial.

We need to get back to a society of people who represent themselves in everything they do. If we are kind people, we need to convey kindness to those around us. If we are strong and confident, than we need to convey that strength and Confidence in the way we talk to one another, walk, and how we talk and stand up for one another.

Being the best version of ourselves at all times and representing our brand where ever we are so that people know who we are and what we stand for. The image of someone not letting there circumstance or surrounding waiver who we are. 

So figure out who you are and don’t try to be anything but. 

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You are my escape…

When I am around other people, I feel like they don’t see me the same way I see self in the mirror.  When I am with you, I see a reflection of myself. I feel your love the way I give you love and I didn’t think that was possible.m
Going back through my old entries, I see a reflection of a woman who wants to be wanted. Someone who craves for the kind of love she knows she can give. I feel sad for her, I want to hold her hand and tell her to be patient and her actually believe me. I want to tell her to stop trying to fit a mold of who she thinks she should be based on the person giving her attention at the time. 

She was lost. 

You drive me crazy in the same ways I felt like I always drove other boyfriends crazy. You are an asshole. You are strong, tough, and resilient. But your smile makes my heart melt, I swoon when I see the excitement in your eyes when you get to see me. 

You are so difficult. 

I am difficult.

I push and I push hard. I am in a constant battle of feeling like I can and have to show you I can do it on my own, or letting you walk along side with me. I sometimes don’t know when too much is too much. I love hard, even mean sometimes. I am unapologetically a bitch, and you seem to love it; no fear of rejection or insecurity needed or wanted. 

You are complicated, and sometimes I don’t know how to do complicated. I have expressed my frustrations to almost anyone who listens, and they tell me to quit you. They tell I need to get out and get out quick. 

We are not normal people, we bask in our weirdness. I see me when I look at you and I never noticed how incredible the view was from here. You balance me in ways I didn’t know I needed balancing and always have a hand waiting in case I fall. You are my amber. 

Despite complicated and hard and difficult, we work. You are my person. 

In the past, I let other people’s chit chat get to me, because in reality, they saw what I didn’t see because I was holding on for dear life to keep something that shouldn’t have been so hard to keep. I would always contemplate how this would end or what life would be like afterward and in retrospect, I should have ever needed to picture that. 

When I am with you, that thought never crosses my mind. I never picture my life with out you, I never picture starting over because I feel like the search is off. If anything I think that you are stuck with me, whether you want to or not. 

You are not the person I should escape from, you are my escape. My blissful, perfect escape and I love you. 

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Never knew

I never knew this was a real feeling.

For years now I have convinced myself that the feeling people claimed you would have when you meet the “right person” wasn’t a real thing. I knew for sure that everyone around me was just so used to settling for less than because it was a better option than waiting. Everyone else knew how to compromise who they were, for the sake of love and I just couldn’t.

I’ve been feeling sad long time for those people. Sad that they weren’t actually happy but scared of change. Sad that they didn’t know themselves enough to stand up for themselves. Sad when my friends who married young just don’t recognize their husbands or wives any more because neither of them knew themselves well enough at the time or what they have to offer the other person and once they did, it wasn’t what they wanted.

I’ve grown up in this world that tells me marriage is the end goal but never patience and knowlegde of myself along the way to be able to have a healthy marriage. Grew up seeing marriage as something expendable and temporary, leaving me in fear of someone always ready to walk out the door and it be completely normal.

After so many times of telling myself that this relationship is different Each time a new guy came around, they all end up the same…out the door. Hurt, Lonely, and Even more convinced that I am undesirable and that my only value was my body and not anything else I had to give. 

I thought those people were crazy and lied to me to make me feel better. You know, the whole “when it’s right” “when you least expect it” “you won’t have to worry” “the right person will love you any way”. These were just empty words that had no meaning or value until now.

Apparently it’s a thing. Apparently not all people settle. Apparently compromise doesn’t have to be giving up who you are for the sake of love. Apparently they just love each other, whole heartedly. Crazy right? 

I’ve met someone. I met some one and he let me fall in love with him. No sadness, no settling, no insecurity. I fell in love with a man who knows himself, even if he doesn’t see all the wonderful things he offers, at a time where I finally know myself and the things I have to offer him if he lets me. 

I’ve met someone that has led me to feel, for the first time, secure and safe, and sure that he doesn’t have one foot out the door, ready to leave when it gets hard. I met someone who makes me feel like I finally got invited to the party no one told me about, more so the party everyone was always at but I just didn’t hear the music. 

All of a sudden I get it, it just clicks, the music turns on and this is how it was always supposed to be. Remembering back to all the times no one wanted me and all the time I wasted on caring and loving these boys who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me back. All these little tiny things I learned to hide within myself because I was told it was undesirable, all my flaws I kept to myself and the anxiety I felt in fear of someone actually seeing me the way I see myself and still casting me aside for the next girl with a pretty smile.

He loves all of it. He loves me. 

The look. Oh GOD! The look. The look drives me wild, the look tells me that he sees me, I mean all of me, and he wants it. He wants ALL of it, like right. Now. 

I love him more than I have ever been given the chance to love another person, and that scares me speechless that he holds so much power over me. But I trust him. I trust him with my heart and trust that for the first time, someone knows how to handle it without hurting it. 

This is right. This is how it was meant to be. I never knew it was a real thing though.

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It’s raining

It’s raining tonight. 

The sound draws me in like a voice I haven’t heard in a while. Something so Simple and beautiful. 

I sit outside and I can’t help but feel lost. Like I am waiting for the rain to cleanse me some how, wash away my fear, my sadness , my loneliness, something. 

I look around at this place i have created for myself for the first time and don’t recognize myself in any of it. I don’t remember what it feels like to drive in the rain at night…

I wonder if I made a mistake 

I wonder if I am being selfish. 

I feel lost and comforted by the rain. It melts away reality, even just for a little bit. Time stops and only right now exists. 

There are moments though, short usually, but they are there. Moments where I feel like it might be ok, like I can pretend and convince myself and the world around me that I have things together. I meet people who take a deeper look and I run scared in fear of what they will find. Fear of being unwanted or unloved. Fear of never letting myself be loved. Love feels so temporary. In the meantime. 

I do have people who love me, and i have people who want me. I am a very blessed person. But sometimes I wonder if settling for that love is worth feeling  like they don’t see me the way I see myself. 

The thought of going back home has tempted me more than I am comfortable even admitting to myself, but I am more scared of the fact that I see less of myself surrounded by people who love me, than I do here alone.

Do people settle for love? Do they convince themselves that the hesitation is normal and you can learn to change that over time? I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. 

I go off of the feeling or intuition of the sort, and I physically ask myself, is it supposed to feel like this? Is this something I am making up myself and should ignore and end up miserable or am I self sabotaging? I don’t know. 

I don’t know what to do. I need to find me again. I need to be excited to be me again. 

It’s raining tonight, and I feel lost. 

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Debate

It’s supposed to be a new year new me type of week. New Year’s Eve has everyone making changes and getting fit and trying to be or do something new. 

I was excited about the new year, I had so much happen to me this last year that I couldn’t wait foe this week to “start fresh” in this new town with new friends. But New Year’s Eve started with a bad sign of me hating my job more than I thought I could, feeling like a worthless employee, slicing my hand open and spending the evening in the ER and having to rely on people I didn’t want to have to rely on. In bed and asleep by 10:30.

I have missed my friends more in his last week than I have the entire 9 months I have lived here. 

I have this internal debate on whether finding my own happiness alone is worth the pain and wasted time that I feel compared to living in a place where I am surrounded by people who deeply care about me and make me happy. 

Don’t get me wrong here, I really love it here. I love Washington, but no one even compares to the friends I have back home who actually think about me more than just in passing.

I have gotten used to this feeling or expectation of being bailed out on. I see it coming before it comes and 90% of the time it does. Plans are made and times are set…then just dropped without even recognition that there was a miscommunication or care at all. 

I need friends, I need friends who don’t see me having a child as an issue or burden, because he isn’t. I need friends like the ones I already have at home. 

But here I am looking for a new job and wondering if there is a part of me that should move back tO MN. 

The debate continues 

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Right now

My soul is happy here. I love where I work and the people I work with. I miss my family sometimes more than I can breathe. My heart feels and hurt so strongly sometimes I can feel it in my finger tips and I have to grip hard toMatch the hurt. 

But mostly, I am a happy person. I make do when most people give

Up. I find a reason to smile when some people can’t. 

I know more than anything that I want someone to love and to be with me. That’s the hardest part about being here. 

I have a very small group of people that I have had in my life at

One point and probably would’ve been perfect with had it been the right time.

I drink sometimes to remind myself of the things that made me happy once. Right now…I am happy and can’t wipe the smile from my face ☺️

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