Being a parent

Being a parent is the most selfless role any one could ever play. It is the most importsnt job i have ever and will ever have. My son and his needs will always come before my own. Everything i do, every thought i have or every plan i make relies solely around him and the steps i need to take to make sure he is taken care of to the best of my ability and i couldn’t  imagine it any other way. he saved me from a place in my life i would never wish upon any one. Ever. 

After seeing what ive seen and experiencing what i have this last month, it blows my mind at the amount of people i see in this world who do not take that role as seriously as i do or as they should. 

Our children did not chose this life on their own, we did. Who they become and what they learn about being a good parent, good worker or decent human being comes from us. They move and mold them selves into what we teach them and if that isnt already important enough, being around and giving them our time is the VERY least we can give. 

People get their thinking confused when they continue to worry about themselves and their “priorities” before their child’s. Children should ALWAYS be the most important priority. 

Now dont get me wrong, we have to be the best versions of ourselves and we all need to take time for ourselves but only AFTER your responsibilities are taken care of. Make accommodations for them so you can take that time with the reassurance of their safety and well being. 

I dont understand absent parents who make every excuse to why seeing their children just isnt convenient to their life styles. And when they do, dont see that time as the most precious time they will ever have in their life, everytime. Each and everytime should the most important thing u can do.  Enough will never be enough, they deserve more.  

I have been complimented on my parenting alot, but despite your thoughts, i will never feel like I’ve ever done enough. Our children deserve more than “Im trying but its just not working”, “whether i see them, i will always love them” or “I helped like i was supposed to last time, cut me some slack”. That will never be enough. 

What are you doing every single day to better your life for theirs? 

You didn’t have a parent around or you had a crappy one, so you dont know how to teach that? You know  what not to do, you know how it felt, so use that to make sure they never felt what you did. 

It important. They deserve that.  

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To my sweet love

This has been a rough ride here for a little while, at least on my side, and now I am at a loss. I am at a dead end and fear backing up and turning around wont get me to the place I thought I was going to end up.

Most days are filled with me staring at my phone to distract me from feeling angry at you and our situation. If my phone starts to bring on those feelings, I turn it off and stare at the wall, sometimes for an hour or more.

I sit and think about all the things I wished I had, the things I wish you had, and the things I wish you would do. I have conversations in my head at you, telling and screaming to you how lost and alone I have been feeling in this relationship. Each one of these conversations where I am pouring my heart out to you about how I am feeling and praying for some kind of reassurance I can believe in, and it is usually followed with, “you’ve already given up” or “I am not going to change your mind”. So what is the point of telling you at all? So I sit, and stare and wondering what the hell I am doing with my life and think of all the times i told myself I wasn’t going to let myself feel this way again ever again.

Now I know that most of my life and my feelings have only ever concerned myself or James and this is probably the first real time where there is a lot more people affected by my choices then myself alone. That’s what love is supposed to do right? Makes you think about your and the other persons feelings at the same time? But I don’t know how to do it any more.

My life is set on a monotonous 24 hour rotation that consists of the same thing over and over. The same stresses, the same worries, and the same small joys, but I am doing them alone. I feel like we have gotten to a point where we live hour by hour now and not long term. No attainable goals, no communication, so togetherness, which feels like its turned into no relationship at all.

You, my love, are my bestest friend. As my best friend, I love seeing you happy, I love doing things with you, trying new things, and sharing our thoughts. But I need more from my partner in life. I needed more from you.

I needed you to include me. I needed you to trust me with your worries. I needed you to tell you how you were feeling or how I made you feel. I needed to know when you felt lost and let me help you whenever of if ever I could. But you chose to keep it for yourself.

I wanted you to want me like you used to, I wanted you to share with me like you used to. I wanted you to feel like you could tell me anything because I have been one of the only people in your life who let you and wanted you to have someone to help you let go of some of those things or struggles, but You didnt.

I begged you to love me and to come closer, and you took a step back, each and every time hurting me more and more. I’ve sat here and watched you distance yourself from me without ever telling me why. I have tried to pretend like nothing was wrong, I try to convince myself that it’s not me, I have tried going on with things in hopes that they will get better like you keep promising; but they don’t.

See I stopped believing the words of men in my life a long time ago because they always turned out to be empty and meaningless. When I met you, you followed through, you did what you said you were going to do and brought every concern or hesitation to light for me so I was never left feeling the way I do now. I don’t know if that was because of new excitement or positive change in you life, but it made me feel secure during times that to 99% of other people, were unsure times, but I trusted you, and you made me feel secure, and we got through it.

About 8 months in, that stopped. Around the time you made the decision that you wanted to get a divorce from a toxic person, your communication with me was less and less. I started trying to communicate for you, for the both of us. I starting filling in the gaps and making excuses for you to the kids as to why you didn’t do what you told them or promised them you would do. So I would do it for them or distract them from remembering it at all.

I told you how I was feeling, I told you what I needed to start getting from you, and you assured me it would change. But the sneaky part about it was, you would change, for a minute, or a day, or a week, and then it would stop. Just enough to get me to believe change was going to come.  I started telling people “he doesn’t do change very well but I know he will do enough baby steps to get there at some point, I trust him.”

We are going on almost a year and half together and I have felt like the distance started and the trust stopped month 9 when Nikko got taken away and James wasnt in daycare any more. Things got hard and change really needed to happen, but instead of taking on the reigns and battling it out together, we went our own ways around to deal with it separately, and have ever since.

You got more and more distant again, leaving me feeling hurt and wondering why.

Now we are at the point we are at today where you see me potentially leaving and now it seems like you might have woken up. But I really only see or feel that in your response to my lash outs, never any other time. Otherwise the pretending continues and I grow more and more numb and at a loss again about to what to do.

I know you need closure to your past, but I am also kind of pasted that excuse at this point. I am over the feeling of dread in coming “home” and I feel like we are 2 people who live our own lives in the same house.

Maybe a bigger house will help, it for sure cant hurt anything, but I don’t want to continue feeling like this another day. I feel like I lost my best friend, I feel like I lost the only thing that has kept me here and I don’t know how to get him back when we are trying to make something more than it is.

You see I fear that you will think or feel like I just gave up and didn’t give you a fair chance. I can see why you would feel like that. I know that’s how you feel because you haven’t been hearing me for the last 8 months. You haven’t felt my heart when I poured it out to you, you haven’t understood what I am going through, and it has been easier for you to pretend things were ok and that everyone goes through it. But I am not everyone my love, and I know you know that.

I am tired, angry, depressed and unhopeful about my life for the first time in my life because I have been trying so hard for so long to get you to do it with me or do it for you, so in the end, we could be together and it wasn’t enough.

I do love you and I have been in love with you. You are my person. I am just not sure I am your person.

So I don’t know what happens next or where we go from here but I am not okay.

 

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Lost

THIS WAS SAVED IN MY DRAFTS SINCE 2014

 

Today reminds me why I named this Blog “Lost Mama”. Today, more than ever do I feel completely and utterly lost within my own life. I don’t know if I am the only one who constantly feels like this, or if I am depressed, or just chronically unhappy, or just really scared to let myself be happy.

I broke up with my boyfriend last week because I don’t know how to handle my feelings and I DEFINITELY don’t know how to be in a relationship. I know they are hard, but God Damn, this is hard. Fighting, misinterpretation and hurt.

This relationship started out so open and effortless. I used to brag to my girlfriends who were dating or married to crappy guys that I found some one who knew and saw me for me and loved me any way. I didn’t have to worry about how I said things or worded it because he knew exactly the point I was trying to make, sometimes I Felt like he knew me better than I knew myself.

It’s easy being in a relationship and communicating with each other completely open and honestly when neither of you ever go again the grain. But once that is rattled and shaken, it is like all Hell breaks loose and you can never go back to the way it was.

During the course of said “against the grain” I have re-lived fear and emotions that I went through during a former abusive relationship and the saying, “we need to be able to fight this out instead of running away” is never a good sign of a health relationship, at least in my opinion.

I understand things are not going to be perfect, I understand that I am a hard person to love and I have an even harder time letting some one love me. But I have gotten to a point, yet again, where I have lost myself for the sake of a relationship. Where I crack under the pressure to be, think, do, promise things I don’t know I am capable of doing. “you are supposed to expect certain things from your partner in a relationship” I am told, and the only thing I can think of that I expect, is patience. Patience to get to know me and see why I feel and do the things I do and how I got to this point and to try to see the constant state of hurt and fear that I feel daily–even when you don’t understand it or know how to react or fix it. Not a promise of a future, or expectation of a plan, or even to be nice 100% of the time. I will let you down each and every time if you dont let me be me.

I get it that no one wants to go into a relationship with someone who cant and doesn’t know how to give them what they want or should get in a relationship from your partner, which is why I have always said, “I am not everyone’s cup of tea”. I have come to realize a lot of things about myself and at the moment I don’t have much to offer. I think about myself more than I think about others’ because so far in life, I have only ever had to worry about pleasing myself. I cant be expected to automatically know and understand how to fill your needs when I am barely filling my own. I also know that in some relationships one of the persons sometimes needs the other more, for some periods of times , and it isn’t always equal. He had to have known that when he started dating me, right?

Arguments—

I argue and I argue hard. I have so much emotions pent up all the time and I don’t know how to work through when your partner finds your being mad as a reason for him to be mad as well. Shouldn’t some one stay calm in the situation to help guide the argument back in the right direction? I am at a complete lost as to how to handle this and wonder if it’s too late, the damage is done and neither of us are willing to let the other one back in to possibly hurt each other again.

All I want to do is go back to the beginning when I felt more like myself than ever before. I want to act like myself without worrying what he is thinking and not telling me or that my words will be used against me. Honestly I am not intentionally trying to hurt him but I can see how after I hurt him, its easy to hang on to that idea of me purposely leading him on to help ease some of the pain and aim it towards anger.

The reasons I fell in love with him was because I felt so comfortable in my own skin, he made me laugh and feel protected. Our communication was better than any one else (besides Amber) I had ever met, and i wasn’t scared. I jumped in head first without knowing where I was going to land and it was wonderful. Like it didn’t matter what happened because he was there with me.

Now we have gotten to a point of anger and almost hatred for one another, or so it seems. The 22 year jokes and one-uppers drive me crazy, the need recognition from everyone else, and the expectation of promising things in the future that I cant promise. I fold under pressure and loose myself, I don’t want to loose myself, because if I do, you loose who you fell in love with too.

So I am sorry for being this way, there is a reason for it, i’m sure; there has to be. But I fear of loosing my best friend and fear we cant bounce back from this, but I also have a bigger fear of unintentionally leading him on while I figure myself out and hurting 1000 times worse down the road. Which one is the brighter side? You tell me.

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Dear kate

Dear Kate, sometimes I feel like you forget that you exist when no one is around you.

I feel like you don’t see the power that you hold within.

You forget to see the beauty and all the little things that make up you.

I constantly feel like I need to see your voice of reason and Hope that the way I see you and what’s inside of you is what you could someday see in yourself 

My dear sweet cake, you are as beautiful as the morning sunrise. When I am surrounded by Nature your name rings in my thoughts. 

It saddens my heart to see you in pain and makes it hurt knowing you’re lonely. You forget to see the beauty in your solace and loneliness. You take for granted the time that you get to emerge yourself and your thoughts in forget to Marvel what a beautiful creature you are and get to be. 
I feel lucky that I get to know you, and the people around you, the people whose energy make up what you think you are, should feel that same privilege in your presence. 

Don’t lose who you are on other people’s account.

I wish you would take the time to Define all those little quirks about you. Pin point what you want and what you are wanting from others. Because it is ok to ask for what you want and to be selfish and to say no when you want to. It is okay to fully indulge in the dirty little secrets of your wants and needs, without any fear of judgement. 

My wish for you is to never again settle for doing something you don’t want to and should never waste your energy on negative thoughts or people. 

I feel like you think of yourself as the second option when you should never you made to feel like an option at all, but a gift. 

Life is about seeking a new perspective on things that seem dim and meek. 

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Your brand

My grandma always taught us the importance of how other people perceived us and the part we play in those views. 

“Avoid the appearance of evil” she would say.

So many people, myself included, were told to never worry about what other people think about us but in reality, the way other people view us is sometimes more important than who we actually are. Because it can determine how we are treated by those around us. 

All we have is who we are and the way we present ourselves and carry ourselves is crucial.

We need to get back to a society of people who represent themselves in everything they do. If we are kind people, we need to convey kindness to those around us. If we are strong and confident, than we need to convey that strength and Confidence in the way we talk to one another, walk, and how we talk and stand up for one another.

Being the best version of ourselves at all times and representing our brand where ever we are so that people know who we are and what we stand for. The image of someone not letting there circumstance or surrounding waiver who we are. 

So figure out who you are and don’t try to be anything but. 

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You are my escape…

When I am around other people, I feel like they don’t see me the same way I see self in the mirror.  When I am with you, I see a reflection of myself. I feel your love the way I give you love and I didn’t think that was possible.m
Going back through my old entries, I see a reflection of a woman who wants to be wanted. Someone who craves for the kind of love she knows she can give. I feel sad for her, I want to hold her hand and tell her to be patient and her actually believe me. I want to tell her to stop trying to fit a mold of who she thinks she should be based on the person giving her attention at the time. 

She was lost. 

You drive me crazy in the same ways I felt like I always drove other boyfriends crazy. You are an asshole. You are strong, tough, and resilient. But your smile makes my heart melt, I swoon when I see the excitement in your eyes when you get to see me. 

You are so difficult. 

I am difficult.

I push and I push hard. I am in a constant battle of feeling like I can and have to show you I can do it on my own, or letting you walk along side with me. I sometimes don’t know when too much is too much. I love hard, even mean sometimes. I am unapologetically a bitch, and you seem to love it; no fear of rejection or insecurity needed or wanted. 

You are complicated, and sometimes I don’t know how to do complicated. I have expressed my frustrations to almost anyone who listens, and they tell me to quit you. They tell I need to get out and get out quick. 

We are not normal people, we bask in our weirdness. I see me when I look at you and I never noticed how incredible the view was from here. You balance me in ways I didn’t know I needed balancing and always have a hand waiting in case I fall. You are my amber. 

Despite complicated and hard and difficult, we work. You are my person. 

In the past, I let other people’s chit chat get to me, because in reality, they saw what I didn’t see because I was holding on for dear life to keep something that shouldn’t have been so hard to keep. I would always contemplate how this would end or what life would be like afterward and in retrospect, I should have ever needed to picture that. 

When I am with you, that thought never crosses my mind. I never picture my life with out you, I never picture starting over because I feel like the search is off. If anything I think that you are stuck with me, whether you want to or not. 

You are not the person I should escape from, you are my escape. My blissful, perfect escape and I love you. 

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Never knew

I never knew this was a real feeling.

For years now I have convinced myself that the feeling people claimed you would have when you meet the “right person” wasn’t a real thing. I knew for sure that everyone around me was just so used to settling for less than because it was a better option than waiting. Everyone else knew how to compromise who they were, for the sake of love and I just couldn’t.

I’ve been feeling sad long time for those people. Sad that they weren’t actually happy but scared of change. Sad that they didn’t know themselves enough to stand up for themselves. Sad when my friends who married young just don’t recognize their husbands or wives any more because neither of them knew themselves well enough at the time or what they have to offer the other person and once they did, it wasn’t what they wanted.

I’ve grown up in this world that tells me marriage is the end goal but never patience and knowlegde of myself along the way to be able to have a healthy marriage. Grew up seeing marriage as something expendable and temporary, leaving me in fear of someone always ready to walk out the door and it be completely normal.

After so many times of telling myself that this relationship is different Each time a new guy came around, they all end up the same…out the door. Hurt, Lonely, and Even more convinced that I am undesirable and that my only value was my body and not anything else I had to give. 

I thought those people were crazy and lied to me to make me feel better. You know, the whole “when it’s right” “when you least expect it” “you won’t have to worry” “the right person will love you any way”. These were just empty words that had no meaning or value until now.

Apparently it’s a thing. Apparently not all people settle. Apparently compromise doesn’t have to be giving up who you are for the sake of love. Apparently they just love each other, whole heartedly. Crazy right? 

I’ve met someone. I met some one and he let me fall in love with him. No sadness, no settling, no insecurity. I fell in love with a man who knows himself, even if he doesn’t see all the wonderful things he offers, at a time where I finally know myself and the things I have to offer him if he lets me. 

I’ve met someone that has led me to feel, for the first time, secure and safe, and sure that he doesn’t have one foot out the door, ready to leave when it gets hard. I met someone who makes me feel like I finally got invited to the party no one told me about, more so the party everyone was always at but I just didn’t hear the music. 

All of a sudden I get it, it just clicks, the music turns on and this is how it was always supposed to be. Remembering back to all the times no one wanted me and all the time I wasted on caring and loving these boys who couldn’t or wouldn’t love me back. All these little tiny things I learned to hide within myself because I was told it was undesirable, all my flaws I kept to myself and the anxiety I felt in fear of someone actually seeing me the way I see myself and still casting me aside for the next girl with a pretty smile.

He loves all of it. He loves me. 

The look. Oh GOD! The look. The look drives me wild, the look tells me that he sees me, I mean all of me, and he wants it. He wants ALL of it, like right. Now. 

I love him more than I have ever been given the chance to love another person, and that scares me speechless that he holds so much power over me. But I trust him. I trust him with my heart and trust that for the first time, someone knows how to handle it without hurting it. 

This is right. This is how it was meant to be. I never knew it was a real thing though.

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