This has been a rough ride here for a little while, at least on my side, and now I am at a loss. I am at a dead end and fear backing up and turning around wont get me to the place I thought I was going to end up.
Most days are filled with me staring at my phone to distract me from feeling angry at you and our situation. If my phone starts to bring on those feelings, I turn it off and stare at the wall, sometimes for an hour or more.
I sit and think about all the things I wished I had, the things I wish you had, and the things I wish you would do. I have conversations in my head at you, telling and screaming to you how lost and alone I have been feeling in this relationship. Each one of these conversations where I am pouring my heart out to you about how I am feeling and praying for some kind of reassurance I can believe in, and it is usually followed with, “you’ve already given up” or “I am not going to change your mind”. So what is the point of telling you at all? So I sit, and stare and wondering what the hell I am doing with my life and think of all the times i told myself I wasn’t going to let myself feel this way again ever again.
Now I know that most of my life and my feelings have only ever concerned myself or James and this is probably the first real time where there is a lot more people affected by my choices then myself alone. That’s what love is supposed to do right? Makes you think about your and the other persons feelings at the same time? But I don’t know how to do it any more.
My life is set on a monotonous 24 hour rotation that consists of the same thing over and over. The same stresses, the same worries, and the same small joys, but I am doing them alone. I feel like we have gotten to a point where we live hour by hour now and not long term. No attainable goals, no communication, so togetherness, which feels like its turned into no relationship at all.
You, my love, are my bestest friend. As my best friend, I love seeing you happy, I love doing things with you, trying new things, and sharing our thoughts. But I need more from my partner in life. I needed more from you.
I needed you to include me. I needed you to trust me with your worries. I needed you to tell you how you were feeling or how I made you feel. I needed to know when you felt lost and let me help you whenever of if ever I could. But you chose to keep it for yourself.
I wanted you to want me like you used to, I wanted you to share with me like you used to. I wanted you to feel like you could tell me anything because I have been one of the only people in your life who let you and wanted you to have someone to help you let go of some of those things or struggles, but You didnt.
I begged you to love me and to come closer, and you took a step back, each and every time hurting me more and more. I’ve sat here and watched you distance yourself from me without ever telling me why. I have tried to pretend like nothing was wrong, I try to convince myself that it’s not me, I have tried going on with things in hopes that they will get better like you keep promising; but they don’t.
See I stopped believing the words of men in my life a long time ago because they always turned out to be empty and meaningless. When I met you, you followed through, you did what you said you were going to do and brought every concern or hesitation to light for me so I was never left feeling the way I do now. I don’t know if that was because of new excitement or positive change in you life, but it made me feel secure during times that to 99% of other people, were unsure times, but I trusted you, and you made me feel secure, and we got through it.
About 8 months in, that stopped. Around the time you made the decision that you wanted to get a divorce from a toxic person, your communication with me was less and less. I started trying to communicate for you, for the both of us. I starting filling in the gaps and making excuses for you to the kids as to why you didn’t do what you told them or promised them you would do. So I would do it for them or distract them from remembering it at all.
I told you how I was feeling, I told you what I needed to start getting from you, and you assured me it would change. But the sneaky part about it was, you would change, for a minute, or a day, or a week, and then it would stop. Just enough to get me to believe change was going to come. I started telling people “he doesn’t do change very well but I know he will do enough baby steps to get there at some point, I trust him.”
We are going on almost a year and half together and I have felt like the distance started and the trust stopped month 9 when Nikko got taken away and James wasnt in daycare any more. Things got hard and change really needed to happen, but instead of taking on the reigns and battling it out together, we went our own ways around to deal with it separately, and have ever since.
You got more and more distant again, leaving me feeling hurt and wondering why.
Now we are at the point we are at today where you see me potentially leaving and now it seems like you might have woken up. But I really only see or feel that in your response to my lash outs, never any other time. Otherwise the pretending continues and I grow more and more numb and at a loss again about to what to do.
I know you need closure to your past, but I am also kind of pasted that excuse at this point. I am over the feeling of dread in coming “home” and I feel like we are 2 people who live our own lives in the same house.
Maybe a bigger house will help, it for sure cant hurt anything, but I don’t want to continue feeling like this another day. I feel like I lost my best friend, I feel like I lost the only thing that has kept me here and I don’t know how to get him back when we are trying to make something more than it is.
You see I fear that you will think or feel like I just gave up and didn’t give you a fair chance. I can see why you would feel like that. I know that’s how you feel because you haven’t been hearing me for the last 8 months. You haven’t felt my heart when I poured it out to you, you haven’t understood what I am going through, and it has been easier for you to pretend things were ok and that everyone goes through it. But I am not everyone my love, and I know you know that.
I am tired, angry, depressed and unhopeful about my life for the first time in my life because I have been trying so hard for so long to get you to do it with me or do it for you, so in the end, we could be together and it wasn’t enough.
I do love you and I have been in love with you. You are my person. I am just not sure I am your person.
So I don’t know what happens next or where we go from here but I am not okay.