Wonder

Some times I sit and wonder what kind of example am I setting for my son. Sometimes it’s a good one based on the things people tell me, but days like today where I have no patience and I snap back quicker than I should, I wonder if that is how he sees me. 

Parenting is supposed to be for 2 people. I say that and other mothers tell me it’s no difference even if the father is around and I have to bite my tongue and wonder what the hell they know about being a single parent because your husband doesn’t play his part as much as you think he should. You still have 2 people your child can talk to, two people who are involved, two people to share the attention with and mostly two people who both have an income. 

Someone asked me the other day, what kind of goals do I have for myself? I immediately responded with, “I have a goal for the type of life I want to give my child”. And he then said, that’s for your son, what kind of goal do you have for yourself? And I forgot what that feels like, I forgot how to think like that. My every being is made up by how well I can raise my son. How well I can adapt and what I give up in order to make him happy. I have no idea who I am outside of being a mother. 

I am lost without him, and I feel like I am failing him. I struggle and struggle and I constantly feel like I take my hardships out on him because I don’t have any one here to hold my hand and help me and support me emotionally. I lash out because I hold so much in because I know once I let someone in, they never want to be there. 

I am the queen of impossible relationships and what ifs and I wish I woulda’s. I wish I had someone to talk to that wanted to take my pain and feel it with me and figure it out together. I am sick of always needing and always wanting and never being wanted in return.

It’s hard to show my son what a strong man looks like when we don’t see them in our lives often. 

Struggle

Sometimes I wonder why I am struggling so much. I wonder how on earth am I ever going to get out of this cycle of one bad turn after another. I go through the usual stages of “Why me?” and “No one else knows that I am going through”. I let myself get so caught up in all the negative things around me, and trust me, I could name quite a few. I wonder if people around me know or can see my struggle in a realistic way. If they could imagine actually walking in my shoes and wonder if they could handle the struggle as well or better than I can.

It’s days like today and weekends like this one where I cant imagine how much worse things can get and how the hell am I going to get back from this one, right before I let myself picture what my life would have been like had I not made the choices I made in the past. My struggle may have not been as financially unstable as they are now, but I would have been a lot worse off.

I sit here and think about my day of sitting on the couch with my beautiful baby and know that I have done something right in this world. He reminds me everyday to smile even when it doesn’t seem like there is much to smile about. I see all of our pictures in my apartment of me and him and of the wonderful family that I have in my life and that I have always had, and I am forever grateful and lucky to have been able to come this far in my life with their support and love, despite my struggle.

I have been sitting here all day feeling sorry for myself and isolated more than I have ever been in my life and the only thing I wanted to do this weekend was to come home and knit something. So I picked up the only needles I have left that Grandma gave to me and knit a hat today. Now it is 11:30 at night and I and half way done with another one and I feel so close to my grandma tonight. I remember when she taught me how to knit when I was 9 and before she had practically lost all of her eye sight. It is a skill and talent that she passed on to me and knowing that she is not here with me, I felt like i needed her more than ever; like me knitting would somehow cure all my problems. As if she is here with me telling me to pick up my boots and forge on. I love her more than any words could even try to describe and I am who I am today because of her.

Struggle is hard, stressful and overwhelming but it also makes us stronger. It helps us know what we can make it through. Having to live this life of barely scrapping by is a nightmare and nothing I would wish on any one else, but I know what I can overcome, I know what I am capable of. I may not always have the answer at the moment, but the answer does come.

Sometimes I wish more people knew struggle a little better, than maybe you would be able to understand.

Distraction

I sit here alone in silence for the hundredth time since I moved here, after I put my son to sleep and distract my self with anything I can possibly do to keep me from…feeling… I think. 

Since I have moved here I try over and over to keep myself busy, so busy that I convince myself that I am doing all the things i couldn’t do back home. Fuck, I am sitting in silence for gods sake, that never happened back home. 

I get cook if I want to, not wear clothes, go to the bathroom with the door open, come and go as I please without someone else having any idea where I am at, it’s exactly what I want. It is exactly what I wanted. 

Recently I have taken to a new hobby and have immersed myself in it. It sharpens my creativity, keeps my hands busy and let’s me lose myself in it. I keep wanting to lose myself in things that make me feel happy to distract me from the heart ache I feel from leaving home. 

I went hiking for a while when I first got here, I relished in the fact that I wasn’t working and was spending the time with James that I had always wished I had time for, but that got old quick. I was all for getting back into shape and exercising everyday so I could feel good about myself at my brothers wedding, it stopped immediately after the wedding. I tried dating a guy that I utterly desire and admire in hopes that maybe someone could or would want to lose themselves in me as well, but again, it never lasts long. 

I am not sure how to live my life and fully feel my feelings without trying to distract myself out of feeling them. I don’t know how to shake the feeling that I bailed out when it got hard, to move on and not be bothered with any one else. 

Maybe this lost feeling I have is life’s way of making it just a little bit harder because I deserve it. Maybe there is a bigger picture that I can’t see yet because I need to some how fix the past part first. 

But for some reason, I know I will overcome this too. Despite bailing out, my family is strong and we fight through and we hold on for dear life. And even though grandma isn’t the same person she was when I left, I know she would tell me to pick up my feet and forge on. That is what I will try to do. Forge on.